solarxmoon's Blog

honestly, I can't live like this anymore.  Coming home after college is one of the biggest mistakes I've made yet.  I'm miserable here.  I'm sick of being yelled at.  I hate my job.  I'm not using my degree for anything.  I have nothing to live for- nothing at all.

I just need to get out, but I don't know why it's so hard.  I keep coming up against 2 major barriers that I feel I need to get over if I want to be free: 1. I'm not sure about what I want to do with my life; and 2. I have nowhere to go.

I feel like if I knew what I wanted to do, I would find where somewhere I should be.  But all I can picture myself doing right now is studying and traveling (mostly traveling)- maybe because studying something (both in school and out of school in my spare time) is all I've known my entire life, and traveling is what I've always wanted to do.

But maybe I should just go with that- if that's what I feel pulled towards.  But it's not very practical, and it's not going to make any money, unless I plan on "settling down" and getting a job sometime soon.  But I don't want to settle down, and I don't want to get stuck in another boring job that I can't stand.  Maybe on some level I'm feeling guilt about this possibility- that I might have the freedom to just do what I want when most people are being responsible, working hard to make money.  Maybe I feel like I don't deserve this?

I just want to be free, and go wherever I want to go, and do whatever I want to do.  But I have no one to go with, so I have to do it alone.  I've been traveling alone a bit this past year, but I feel like I can go where I need to go, but have no sense of direction.  When I get somewhere, it's just me.  I'm alone and have no one to talk to.  I have no one to explore my new place with, and because of that it gets boring. 

I wish that I could just leave with no specific destination and just go wherever life takes me; but for that I would need to be open and connected (to myself, to the world), and right now, I'm just not feeling that too much

So what do I do?  Do I focus on finding what it is I want to do, or do I focus on getting myself connected to myself, so that I can feel comfortable in the world?  Or maybe I should just go, and tell myself I can't come back so I'd better make it work...

So I had another minor epiphany the other day (oh, the glory of always self-observing rather than living in the present). 

Anyways, I was in the mall shopping with my family.  Now, over the past 6 months, I've gained some weight, and I'd really been noticing it lately, so I should have known that going shopping could send me on a potential spiral into depression, but did I listen to myself?  No.  I went shopping anyways, even though the mere sight of my little sisters (who, after all these months, are still much thinner than I am) almost made me sick.

After getting out of the fitting room (which was disasterous, by the way, because even though the clothes did fit me, I felt that I looked disgusting), I was confronted with my sister who's 28-inch waist jeans were too big, and stylish, thin people in every store.

I felt so stupid.  Why should the mere presence of someone who is thin or stylish bother me?  Isn't that kind of horrible, really judgmental and immature to think that other people should inhibit and hide their attractiveness just because someone else out there doesn't look that way too?

And then it hit me.  Inhibiting myself to make others feel better is exactly what I've done my entire life.  Not consciously, but on some level that I didn't want to admit, I judged myself based, not only to some degree on stereotypical beauty standards and the idea that I must be attractive to be worthy; but also on whatever idea I had of what would counter those ideals- what I should be to not have others look at me and feel inadequate.

I'm pretty sure I know where this came from.  For reasons I don't want to get into now, I was always the "pretty," "tallented," "intelligent" one growing up in my family, and despite the fact that those were all expected of me, they were also seen as the cause of others' feelings of inadequacy, specifically within my family.  One episode that's burned into my mind is of when I was 7.  Someone told me I was beautiful when I asked why the boys were chasing me all the time, and I jokingly went along with it.  My father took me aside and sternly told me to NEVER say that I was beautiful (because it would make others feel bad).

But, in reality, that logic is absolutely absurd.  You can't bring yourself down just to make others feel better.  It just makes me feel like a failure and get extremely frustrated with others' success (because, it reminds me of what I could have had and gave up).

So, if I want to loose weight, if I want to look my best, it's not as if I'm intentionally going out there to make others feel like unattractive sh*t.  If I don't like the weight I'm at, I'm not going to feel bad for doing something about it.  If I want to be stylish one day, I'm not going to feel like I'm setting a superficial standard.  If I want to be an overachiever and actually use my intelligence, that's what I'll do. 

I've been limiting myself for too long out of a fear of making others feel inadequate.  I'm not going to intentionally go out there and make others feel bad about themselves, but if my mere existence makes someone uncomfortable, then that's their problem and I'm not responsible for protecting them from those feelings.

So from now on, I have decided that I will do my best, do what makes me happy, and be the best that I can be, regardless of who it pisses off.  It's my life, and I haven't been living it to the fullest. 

I'm going to start appreciating it now.

I was going to write a blog about this, but maybe I'll just wait till later...

NO, I will write, right now.  I'm not doing anything productive at the moment so I might as well..

I've been trying to figure out the root of this little (and by little I mean HUGE) problem of mine for some time now..  I don't remember always being a procrastinator, and it definitely wasn't always this severe.  It's getting so bad that I'm starting to think they should add it as a psychological disorder in the DSM...though maybe that's what ADD is for.. (I've been tested for that, and I wasn't diagnosed..maybe I should have been...)

I guess what it comes down to is, I've become almost completely incapable of doing anything that I really don't want to do.

And I'm trying to figure out why...

Maybe it has something to do with not feeling like I've had much (or any) control over the direction of my life..there have always been certain expectations (no, requirements) placed upon me (get good grades, go to college, be responsible..even though you're just a spoiled brat anyways and don't deserve what you have, etc., etc.- yes, they always have an opinion, don't they..)  Maybe I just can't take it anymore, this "doing what other people expect/require of me," and procrastination is the result of this resistence I feel. 

I've always tried to live up to the expectations placed upon me, and though I did it willingly, I don't think I did it by choice.  It was more of a compulsion; an intense fear of failure and dissaproval; that sickening feeling that comes of being inferior, of being worthless, of letting them down and disgracing your entire family, of ruining their reputation because of your own "selfishness"- you, selfish because you don't live up to their expectations, their wants, their needs.  (has anyone ever noticed that there's supposed to be a "me" somewhere in all this?  isn't this...MY life?)

I feel as if I can't do it anymore (is it "I can't" or "I intensely don't want to"?  I am not sure).  Because I have been able to do it so far, even during those times when I really thought that I couldn't.  And even though I have been able to, there's always that fear that I won't make it looming over me- that fear that one day, I'll just stop.  And my entire world will come crashing down around me..

...and for some reason, in addition to being completely terrifying...that thought seems oddly freeing...

I've been thinking about the whole issue of self-acceptance a lot lately.  I've had issues with myself my whole life, and one of my main problems was that, though it wasn't necessarily me that I had a problem with, I still had a hard time being comfortable as myself.  For the most part I'm ok with who I am, and I think to a certain extent I always have been.  But then, why haven't I always been confident and secure?  Because, though I evaluated myself based on what I personally see as ideal, I was still applying outside standards to myself to see how I measured up.  I still acknowleged those outside standards as what the majority would deem acceptable and worthy.  And I put myself in the position of someone holding those standards and judged myself to see how others would have judged me- by doing that I gave those outside standards value and power.  I had reduced myself to nothing but a checklist of qualities that someone else potentially belives in.  And the mere act of doing that I belive in some way made that at least partially my reality...

I am not delusional, yet I can feel waves of energy pulsing through my body when I close my eyes.  I feel as if I'm floating when I don't have those visual cues to tell me that I haven't left the ground.  My senses are heightened, and I can feel every minor sensation that I normally wouldn't notice- the watch around my wrist; the tightness of the elastic holding back my hair; the pressure of the keyboard under my hands; random psychosomatic occurances which probably have no basis in my physical reality.  Mentally my mind is blank.  calm.  quiet, for once in my never-ending intellectual existence.  If I weren't falling asleep I would feel as if I'm meditating...

...I had forgotten what a lack of sleep could do to me.  It's kind of pleasant in a strange and mindless way...